I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?