i wonder why they stopped looking
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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped