i wonder why they stopped looking
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
a public service announcement
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Worst bar ever.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?