i wonder why they stopped looking
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A recipe for laughter
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Best spoiler warning ever
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
this came to me in a vision
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium