“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
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me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.