“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”![]()
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”