Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.