Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

Labreador

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

two people or more is called a problem

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.