I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
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Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?