Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.