Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast