I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
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[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
A family that plays together cheats.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Sign of the day..
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I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows