Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.