I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex