I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Sign of the day..
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.