I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
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Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
😩😩😩
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room