I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
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I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
This why you should mind your business
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end