Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

long lost

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.