Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.