I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*