I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.