Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.