Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.