Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Just how popey was the pope today?

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”