I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”