I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
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My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
he chose this
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.