I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
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Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period