I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
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my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
If only.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.