Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are not alone 💚

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

realest tweet ever.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.