Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

new career option?

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams