I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure