Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

😂🤣😂🤣

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.