Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

We need to put an American base on the sun

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.