Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Good morning

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Am I having a stroke?

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.