I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Twitter remains undefeated
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.