I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
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My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.