I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
You Might Also Like
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.