I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
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Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
It be like that sometimes 😆
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name