I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
![]()
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile![]()
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.