I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
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My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
This is my pinned tweet
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal