I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.