I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
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The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.