i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
You Might Also Like
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.