Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

I am yelling

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.