I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.