I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.