I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.