Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit