Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

there’s probably a fee though

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*