I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours