Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat