Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

giddy up Office Depot

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

cry laughing at this shit

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡