Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Y’all know who you are.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.