I won’t undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.

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RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name


Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.


9 year old daughter: Are you sure?

Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?


4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.


Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.


*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*


8: hey dad can you make me a sandwich?
me: poof! you’re a sandwich
8: ….
me: no


Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.


Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.