I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
mariah carrie
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.