Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.