Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

*exercises sarcastically*

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here