Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Oh yeah that’s it

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.