I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
it takes so much energy
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies