I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant