Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

he’s sick of your bullshit today

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

Snack for election night!

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool