I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
playing pool? you mean swimming?