I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser