I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’m not average. I’m mean.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella