No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird