Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy