I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
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Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?