I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
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I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.