Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

There’s no “us” in nachos.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs