Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”