Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#FunnyLife Insects

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard