I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My favorite female superhero
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?