I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
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In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
5 ways to appear taller
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered