I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Dammit Chief not again
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.