I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
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*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Short story
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money