Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

That’s no pocket rocket.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)